Head in the clouds


This is the 6th time I'm trying to write this, for some reason this is really hard to write. Maybe it's because it's something I tend to ignore, both in person and with writing. If you know me even slightly, you'll know that I'm a pretty open book, if you ask me something I'll answer it honestly and very very rarely will I not answer a question at all. Granted I'm not the type to offer up my feelings or secrets to anyone, but if you ask me a direct question you'll likely get a direct answer. The things I tend not to talk about, or at least in a serious way, is the thoughts I have on a weekly, daily, hourly basis. The reason I'm still struggling with my mental health, and still can't see a point where I won't be controlled by them.

I disappoint everyone. I let everyone down. I blame myself for pretty much everything. 

That no one actually cares and will leave me.

It's really hard to walk around and constantly feel like this. It's probably why when I feel like people are drifting away I try extra hard, which I guess is just self-sabotaging as when I say I try extra hard, usually it's just me being really fucking irritating. Which of course, allows me to blame myself with the fact they don't want to be around me anymore. Easy. The hourly feeling of that everyone will leave me, is probably spurned from the fact when I imagine my future, I imagine myself alone. No, I'm not just talking about not being in a relationship, just alone in every sense of the word. I've imagined that ever since I was little, it's one of those nagging thoughts that has stayed with me, and 20+ years later all it has done is become a stronger thought that is growing ever nearer to my reality.

I don't have many friends, that list pretty much more than halves when I think of the people that are probably only still around because I make the effort with them. I suppose some people will say I should ditch them, but again, I like to sabotage myself, so I carry on trying my very best to be their friend, who knows maybe they'll start making an effort. Though lets be honest here, that never happens, they just eventually leave and stop talking to me and then I'm there again alone knowing that those nagging thoughts I have are indeed correct. Which sends me back into that spiral of self-loathing, and wondering why on earth I'm even bothering to stay here.

Which brings me nicely over to the fact, that yes, I am indeed still here. I'll be honest and say that I came very close to the edge (sometimes literally) last year, and although I like to think I'm in a better place, I can already see myself slipping back into bad habits. Do I want to die? No, I don't think so, but I think thats more because I don't think I'll be living much longer anyway, 35 max maybe, so in my head I might as well suffer a bit longer as it'll all soon be over anyway.

It's the answer to that last question that's making me struggle (the one in bold). It's the reason I've booked two doctors appointments...and cancelled two doctors appointments over the past 3 weeks.

I really couldn't put the above better myself, I hate knowing that anyone is feeling down even a little bit. I always try to cheer people up, to be there for them, to offer support or to just be someone they can ramble at. I don't know how to fix myself anymore, I've been broken too many times and it's getting harder to put those pieces back together, so I tend to just focus on trying my very best to look after other people and make them happy. Granted sometimes I end up just being irritating, but sometimes I think them being annoyed at me is better than them feeling sad.

I'm going to stop writing for now.

Point of this post? None. I just really needed to write something down. To get it out of my system. To apologise to all of those people I irritate on a daily basis. To let anyone know that you can always talk to me. 

I'm going to try and be a little less annoying, I'm going to try and sort my life out and that will likely mean going back on anti-depressants, try and be confident without alcohol. I need to stop bottling up feelings and maybe I should put myself out there a bit more. Who knows, maybe I'll become a more likeable person?

Maybe I'll even hate myself a little less.

I'm going to try and get back into the swing of writing, so hopefully the next post you'll see it'll be something fun and interesting to read! And to anyone who made it to the end of this post, thanks for sticking with it.

- Bambi -

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