New Years Day - Flashback


I was scrolling through my Timehop yesterday as normal, until I came across a picture from the same day last year. Here is the said picture:

I posted this on my Instagram, with a caption along the lines of it being a perfect evening. My New Years Eve last year was fun don't get me wrong, but mentally I was in a really dark place. I was self harming quite a lot, scratching up my arms like it was going out of fashion, you might now notice some of the scratches on my arm in the picture above. It's funny, I didn't even notice that they were in the original picture when I posted it, maybe I was blind to my harming? Or maybe it was a subtle cry for help, either way it made no difference at the time, but instead it's helped me a lot now, as I can now see how far I've really come.

I was what you would call a 'scratcher', I never cut deep enough for it to scar, just enough for it to bleed and sting a bit. I didn't consider this as self-harm until I saw my psychologist who spotted it and explained exactly what was happening there. It hit the point where my entire arm was covered in scratches and my thighs in bruises (I used to punch my legs until they bruised - also an act of self-harm). There were various times in 2015, where I came close to ending it all, but I made it out the other side and so can you. I can't say there was a miracle cure to what made me stop, maybe it was a mixture of embarrassment and finding enough distractions that I didn't do it. I'm not going to go deep into all my thoughts back then, but to put it simply, I was on the edge and I really care about my life anymore, 2015 was a tough year, it was very up and down, even right through to December, but I made it through all of it, even when at times I didn't think that was even possible. 

I wanted this post to be a positive one, so with that in mind, I can happily say that today I haven't self-harmed in a few months and I have even less desire to do so. I actually feel the happiest I have done in a long time, which is weird seeing as November and the start of December I felt like I had fallen back into my dark hole of depression again. You're probably wondering what changed right? Honestly, nothing dramatic, I guess I just started walking around with my brain on and my heart open, I started to appreciate the little things a hell of a lot more. I let go of anger and I felt like I could finally breathe again, I found good people to surround myself with and that made a huge difference to me. I still have a long way to go with my mental health, but I made a lot of progress in 2015 so I'm confident my progress will continue in 2016.

New Years Eve was important this year. I am walking into the new year with positive thoughts and I am actually finally excited about a new year. It's silly but 16 is my lucky number (well 6 in general) and seeing as it's 2016, I feel like it's going to be a good one! I'll turn 26 at the end of the year and maybe I'll finally enjoy my birthday for once?! 

Whatever 2016 has in store for me, I know I'll get through it, and I'll come out even stronger. I hope 2016 will also be great for all of you and I hope that if you're in a similar position to how I was last year, that this post will reassure you that you can get through it. We are stronger than we think and just give yourself time and you'll come to realise just how strong you are.

I think I'll leave that post there. Feel free to drop me a message if you want to talk more or if you would like some support.

- Bambi -

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